She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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