I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
