i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
