I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
