Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
