i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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