i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
