If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
