He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
