Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
