i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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