I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Did I show you my penis last night?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
