I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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