I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
