did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
