i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
