I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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