If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
