Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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