I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
