someone threw a dead crab at me
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize