i think my mom watched the whole time
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
