went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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