I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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