this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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