I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I supernannyed him into submission
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
