I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
