So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I want her autograph on my taint
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
