mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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