There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
