We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
