I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to calm my uterus...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
my liver is dry heaving
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
