He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize