this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
