ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
