ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
