playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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