Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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