I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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