just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
