god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
