Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize