she woke up with a sticky ear
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
