Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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