i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize