I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
