i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
