when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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