Taylor Swift is so right about you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
