My hand turned me down
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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