You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
