No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
