Betty ford says i'm here all night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
