I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
