Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize