When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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