I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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